Sunday, December 11, 2016

DeVos Speaks (Sort of)

Poor Betsy DeVos. She has recently spent time on the Donald Trump "Thank You These rallies Are The Only Part I Liked About Running for President" Tour, complaining that the media is spreading "false news" about her. I suppose that she could address that by actually, you know, speaking to the press directly, but apparently she is spending time prepping for her confirmation hearing. Her appearances at Herr Trump's rallies haven't been covered in great detail, but thanks to the faux journalist power I call "Making It Up," I'm prepared to present the full text of one of her most recent tour speeches.

Thank you! Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to see all my friends and neighbors out to greet me here in my hometown of Grand Rapids. Just keep right on applauding. Remember, my family and I can ruin you at any moment. That's it! Cheer, fellow citizens and peasants!!

 There has been a lot of speculation about what kind of Education Secretary I will be. Let me clear that up. I will be a great one!

For one thing, we will be bringing the benefits of school choice. I think all Americans agree that it's important that all businesses, no matter what their zip codes, have an opportunity to get their hands on a piece of the giant mountain of money that funds education in this country. Choice will let us do that. Cheer!!

But we want to do better than that. Everyone should have a chance to grab some of those public tax dollars, including all of the private schools which already exist. Vouchers should be an important part of an education money payout plan because every private school, whether its Baptist or Methodist or Bible Church or Church of God or even Catholic, should have a chance to get a fresh infusion of tax dollars.

Some people have complained that the kind of charter and choice system that I support would lead to a two-tier system of schools, with one well-funded school system for the students from the upper class. To them I can only say one thing-- of course.

You have to understand-- when the founding fathers said that all men were created equal, they didn't mean that all men are actually equal. The Puritans understood that some people are favored by God and therefor blessed with greater prosperity than others. These Chosen are more favored, more suited to take dominion over the rest of creation, more deserving of honor. They're just better.

Are some people better than others just because they're rich? No, that would be ridiculous. They're rich because they're better. People criticize me because every cent I have either was passed to me either by my parents or my husband, but those people are missing the point. God made me rich because I deserve it.

These signs of God's favor and an individual's superiority used to be pretty clearcut, and they used to be the foundation of America. But the founders made one crucial mistake-- they let all sorts of people vote, and over time, those people got uppity. There was a time when America was still great, back when everybody knew his or her place, back when black people and poor people handicapped people and non-Christians didn't try to take things they weren't entitled to. Back when the homosexuals had the decency to pretend they didn't exist. But those days are gone-- ruined by a bunch of uppity people who won't just shut up and listen to those of us who know better. Now homosexuals and blacks and women and Muslims can all strut around like they're perfectly normal and it's we decent Christians who have to hold our tongue and avoid saying simple things like "Jesus hates you and you're going to hell." It's a topsy turvy world.

And it all starts in school.

We let the children of the better class of people mix with the children of Those People. Teachers don't seem to know their place, and insist on teaching things they just shouldn't teach, the kinds of things that students were never taught back when America was great-- certainly not in the fine private schools my children and I attended. That is why I absolutely support the Common Core-- someone has to tell Those People what they should teach. However, I understand that some of you are not fans of Common Core, and so I totally promise that the federal regulations requiring Common Core will be stricken from the law, along with the regulations requiring students to wear clown shoes and the regulations requiring lunch ladies to be certified Yeti's. I guarantee you that in just a few months, all of those laws will be gone, and you will be free to have your state government enforce Common Core under some other name.

We will also do our best to crush both teacher unions and all those other unions, too. Unions are unnatural, a terrible attempt to interfere with the natural order of things. People who want to control working conditions and wages should not choose to be the kind of people who work at those jobs. It is their place to simply do their jobs and let those of us who Know Better make the important decisions.

Government has also interfered with the God-given natural order of things by forcing money to flow to people who don't deserve it. If God wanted Those People to have money, He would have made them rich, and it is not government's place to interfere with that just process. By getting government to takes its paws off schools, a choice and charter system can allow money to again flow to those who actually deserve it. A choice and charter system also allows children of the better people to get their education without having to deal with the children of Those People. Really, isn't it better when people associate with their own kind?

I hear people complain about mobility and opportunity. We still believe in that-- any child who is born into poverty should be free to show that he actually belongs to a better class of people, and he can best do that by becoming rich, remembering that it only counts if he becomes rich on his own, without any kind of help, like Mr. Trump or like me.

I have read the accusation that I want to do away with public schools. This is simply false. We must have public schools, otherwise, where would the children of Those People go to school. But I do not want to have to give up any more of my hard-inherited and hard-married money to educate Those People than is absolutely necessary. Just enough to make them useful as workers should be sufficient. After all, why spend a lot of money educating people who are just going to burn in hell for eternity, anyway?

Much like a sin-filled homosexual must be forcibly brought back to rightful behavior, American education can be forced to be The Way I Think It's Supposed To Be. We can serve the chosen folks by giving them the opportunity to rise as God wants them to, we can give their children the opportunity to get a proper education with the proper people, and we can give Those People an opportunity to become compliant, useful tools for the people who should be properly running the country. Education can be the foundation for making America great again as well as a chance to advance God's kingdom and take us one step closer to the theocracy we should be, correcting the country's greatest mistake-- allowing just anybody to vote.

Now, cheer, fellow citizens and peasants! Cheer as if your future and the future of your children depended upon it.


  1. It's so "Hunger Games" like. Society in general is becoming the same. And I thought Lord of the Flies was scary.

  2. Wiping eyes. Might be laughter. Might be horror.

  3. Delighted to find this one still in my inbox. Great gallows humor. Thank you endlessly for enlightening us with your sharp wit and deep wisdom. Oh, and total lack of hubris-so novel today.