Sunday, September 3, 2017

A Classroom of Tomorrow

Good morning,children, and welcome to today's classes in the Mr. Edbrand Fifth Grade Room, brought to you by Exxon here at Apple Elementary School. I'll remind you that all Samsung devices and Microsoft Surface tablets must be placed in the big box just outside the door. As usual we'll be recording and webcasting today, and only properly sponsored materials can be shown on camera.

Oh, Chris-- you brought in your signed clearances from home? Excellent-- you can finally move your desk out of the cupboard and join your classmates on camera.

Today we're going to continue working on this week's essay, "Why Pepsi Is the Most Refreshing Drink." Remember, we're going to be writing them with the new Edutech Markotron 5000s that came in yesterday. No, Ronny-- you're trying to hold your Markotron like a pen or pencil-- just flip your wrist so your hand is upside down and backwards-- the Markotrons work fine if you just change the way you write. At recess we'll be trying out the new game from EduGo-- did everyone sign their decline-of-liability forms? And while at your work stations, remember not to slouch so that the new DataGrabber Mining Module can track every part of your facial expressions.

I'll also remind you that part of your class requirement is to post a picture from class on Instagram or Twitter; remember, you only get credit if you use the hashtag #MrEdbrandTeaches, because every day what...? That's right-- "Every day I'm increasing my digital footprint."

After lunch we'll be filming the spots for the demo of EduGadget's Gramminator-- the ones we rehearsed for the last few days-- so make sure you get your face and hair all straightened out before then. Remember-- we're doing two versions, one with all the white kids in the front and another with all the white kids in the back. It's so EduGadget can use them in different markets, dear. We'll do that right after the Faberware Super Writing Center.

Yes, it's true that Miss McSpine has left the school. After that unfortunate incident with her ex-fiance, she lost most of her sponsorship deals, and the school had to let her go.

Which reminds me-- I'm very cross about yesterdays video footage, We had to scrub several spots because somebody decided it would be funny to hold up a Microsoft logo in the background. Look-- someday when you're a grown-up professional, you can develop your own personal brand, but right now, the only personal brand in this room is mine, and we are not a Microsoft classroom. Look at my teaching suit-- do you see Microsoft on here anywhere? No-- Google on the left sleeve, Apple on the right, and these other spots for our friends at McGraw Hill. Turn around? Stop giggling-- you know very well that Pearson is on my butt. Yes, I think it's funny, too. Yes, Leah, I do look like a NASCAR driver.

Oh, before we do the Pledge To Apple, I need to tell you that I drove to school today in a Lexus XLR, the preferred car of top fifth grade teachers across the valley.

No, Chris, I never imagined it would be like this for me as a teacher. The New York Times (that was a newspaper-- ask your parents) wrote about teacher branding and selling out to companies years ago, but nobody knew how big it would get.

Now let's get to work. We have lots to do-- I'll be on hiatus next week for my product introduction tour in Hawaii, thanks to my friends at MegaEduTechCorp. Yes, I will miss all six of you, but I'll see you soon. And when I come back, I'll have lots of new products for us to try, some new curriculum units to unpack and deliver, and maybe a new car, too.

What, Pat? No, I told you. We'll start studying history when and if we find a sponsor.

Boy, when people back in the day said that education would be transformed by the free market, they had no idea.


  1. You nailed it. Hilarious, but terrifying.

  2. Replies
    1. That book put me in a funk (in a "good" way) for weeks. Try also The Unidentified (by Rae Mariz) about branding students.

  3. This reminds me of the novel, "Jennifer Government." It describes a libertarian dystopia. The opening scene is children in a McDonald's school. Other characters have names like John Nike. Funny stuff.

  4. Standing up and cheering!
    Bravo, Peter, bravo!

    Christine Langhoff

  5. This is perfect! Thanks!

    I'm imagining ultra realistic holographic android teachers, programmed to perfectly follow CCSS aligned unit and lesson plans, geared towards enhancing test readiness skills.

    With the flip of a dial, the classroom monitor (once known as a "teacher") changes the 'droid's outfit to mirror the advertising profile of that morning session's highest bidder for first period. Bidding sessions for subsequent class periods are on-going throughout the regular school day and begin again at 6:00 AM (sharp!) on the following day.

    Imagine the possibilities!