Opportunity Costs Are Shot

Transcript of school staff meeting.

Principal: We've been handed a small pile of money, and I thought we'd meet to discuss what best to do with it.

Ms. Wattlestop: Well, we haven't replaced the textbooks in the science department for a decade. It might be time to get the students some books that aren't falling apart. And maybe we could get enough of them so that all students can have them.

Miss Bowenflava: The heat in my room doesn't work. The faucets in the student restrooms don't turn all the way on or off. There's a leak in the roof over the west hall. We need to get some repairs done around the building.

Mr. Jones: How big a pile are we talking? Because we could add a couple of staff people, we could get class sizes down below thirty, and that would be a huge help to the students.

Mrs. McSmith: We haven't put a new book in the library in fifteen years. Let's buy books.

Mrs. Galumpke: There are so many cool new programs out there that would really be exciting and helpful for our students. Maybe we could get one of those...?

Mr. O'Plenty: Our computer system is dependent on servers that are held together with duct tape and bubble. Let's strengthen our tech system

Ms. Stengle: Hiring some to run an after-school intervention program would really help our students who are behind.

Ms. Flex: You want to help me out with some of the $1,200 I'm spending to get my classroom necessary resources?

Miss Fleagle: There are only two certified people who will even think about substituting here. Maybe we could raise sub pay.

Miss Arbuckle: We could pilot an home and school visiting program, to help give at risk students a little more support.

Ms. Swayne: We could hire a counselor.

Mr. Flurgle: I don't want to sound selfish, but we don't even pay teachers a living wage any more, and I think it's beginning to affect the hiring possibilities[indicates the forty-three empty chairs at the meeting]. Maybe it's time to look at that.

Ms. Teanuttle: Really, it's the whole package. Our students are dealing with a wide variety of traumas and issues that they bring into the building, and we need to be doing more to help them both academically and emotionally. The building is falling down around our ears, and we desperately need more and better resources. The staff is being eroded by the lack of support and the absence of resources. And we are consistently underfunded because the state doesn't even want to give us enough money to keep up with providing the basics for our students. I hope you've been given enough money to do all of this, but if you haven't-- well, I really don't envy you this difficult decision.

Principal: Those are all very good ideas, and after careful consideration, I've decided we need to spend the money to buy some guns.

Staff: What?

Principal: Yup. Of all the things we could do, I think arm a couple of you guys would be the best possible use of the money. Thanks for coming.

Mr. Flurgle: Money for training us, too?

Principal. No. No, just the guns. Just point and shoot. How hard can it be?

Ms. Flex: But what about all these other ideas?

Principal: Trust me. Once you've got that gun in your hand, you won't even care about the rest of this stuff.

Mr. Jones: The opportunity cost here is just so tremendous!

Principal: The what now?

Mr. Jones: Never mind, Principal DeVos.