The Vanishing Parent Problem

One of the nicer customs at the elementary school attended by the Curmudgucation Institute Board of Directors is an annual Breakfast with Your Parental Unit event. During the 45 minutes before school starts, you can come in and eat donuts or muffins or fruit with your child. But this year I noticed something.

The event is split up into two divisions-- K-2, and 3-5. This is our first year in the older division and, well... When we were doing K-2, the setup involved tables filling the whole gym, and seating was still tight. When we arrived for this year's version, only half the gym was set with tables, and there was space a-plenty. It was a reminder of the Vanishing Parent Problem.

My old high school band director (and later my colleague) used to observe that turnout for band concerts was counter-sensical. When they are still elementary students, he noted, everyone comes to hear them. Parents, aunt, uncles, neighbors--wall to wall audience. Even though the sounds of a fifth grade band are objectively Not So Great. Then years later, when they are high school students and are playing very well and making objectively beautiful music, the auditorium is barely half full. 

You can see it also on Open House night. The Institute's Chief Marital Officer has always taught in elementary school, and it is rare that Open House does not involve every single parent showing up. But as a career high school teacher, I always found Open House an excellent night to get uninterrupted paperwork done in my room. Maybe one or two parents would show up (and generally the ones to whom I had nothing to say beyond, "Your child is awesome.")

I'm not asking for more parents who helicopter around their children well into the child's twenties. But I do wonder why so many parents just kind of check out of the dailiness of their child's education. That dailiness is exactly where the parental support is needed. It's easy to say "Education is important" (just as it's easy for students "This year I'm going to really apply myself") but the challenge is to keep plugging away at it, day after day, including the days that are not necessarily super-exciting.

That's how you model commitment-- by showing up and being engaged even on the days that aren't super-inspiring all by themselves. Parenting and studenting and teaching are similar in that respect-- you can go through the motions without actually engaging and you can create the impression that you're doing the work. 

We like to focus on landmarks-- first day of school, prom, graduations-- with the declaration that such occasions only come once. But here's the thing- every day of every year only comes once. And as your children grow up, there will be moments that will stay with them for the rest of their lives but--and this is a big but-- you will never know when these moments will come ahead of time. Finally, as your children grow, there will be a series of lasts, the last time they do or say X-- and once again, you will never know your child has done something for the last time until later. 

Schools can certainly do more to involve and engage parents, but ultimately it is a parental choice of whether or not to slowly disappear as the child ages. As the board of directors ages, I hope the crowds for them and their classmates doesn't keep shrinking.