Interview: A Teacher Surgeon Speaks Out and Fesses Up

Our crack investigative at the Curmudgucation Institute had a chance to sit down with Pat DeMasquool, a member of the teaching staff at Harry Gray Middle School about the actual work there.

CI: So to be clear, you are on staff as an English Language Arts teacher and also..um...

PD: Assistant Chief of Neurosurgery. Yes.

CI: This is not something we've really heard about American schools before. Why are you choosing to go public now?

PD: Well, I mean, Donald Trump called us out, didn't he. "Sex change operations are happening in public schools." The jig is up. We might as well fess up.

CI: So that really happens. Student comes in as a boy in the morning and leaves as a girl that afternoon? How does that even work.

PD: We have some extra time built into the lunch schedule for elective surgeries. It's generally better if they get the anesthesia on an empty stomach anyway. Occasionally the surgical team gets pulled from a study hall or even a class, if there's coverage. 

CI: I don't understand. I thought school nurses can't even hand out a Tylenol without parental permission. 

PD: Oh, they can't. Rules about that are very strict. Generally the students have to get home before they can get post-surgical pain relief. That's another reason we try to schedule the surgeries later in the day. 

CI: Donald Trump also referred to these secret surgeries as brutal. Any response?

PD: As I said, we've got to sneak these surgeries into a pretty short amount of time. But we're teachers--we can eat lunch in five minutes and take a pee break within forty-five seconds. We're good at speed, even if it is a little messy. 

CI: Also, I have to ask-- the school asks kids to send in boxes of kleenex every two weeks, and your textbooks are from the 20th century. How does the school district manage to afford all the equipment for these secret surgeries when you can't even afford simple basics.

PD: Different line item on the secret budget. Yeah, we have a whole secret source of financing to cover this stuff that we aren't allowed to spend on ordinary school supplies, but can support the surgeries.

CI: You keep saying "surgeries," like plural. Do you perform a lot of these?

PD: Well, the secret trans surgeries keep us busy some times of year. But we have plenty of other surgical specialties here, too. Mrs. Whippet in the Home Ec department does a pretty good secret knee replacement, and Mrs. Hergenschimer in the Social Studies department is on the brink of developing some cutting edge secret brain surgery techniques. Our lunch ladies are top-notch anesthetists. 

CI: This is going on all the time??

PD: Not all the time. Sometimes we get busy with classwork around the end of the grading period, and of course we're very busy in the spring testing season. And of course you've heard about the substitute shortages--that's one of the main reasons we need so much coverage. So sometimes the surgery has to wait. And of course we have limited space. We've only converted three classrooms into operating theaters. 

CI: I'm a little surprised to find a middle school English teacher with knowledge of advanced surgical techniques.

PD: We pick it up mostly in professional development sessions.

CI: Incredible. I'm surprised so many teacher surgeons stay here after getting that training. A neurosurgeon makes about a quarter million a year. How does that compare to the salary for a middle school English teacher? 

PD: Yeah, but where else could I get to spend my days trying to get kids interested in prepositions and Emily Dickenson? 

CI: Really, wouldn't it be simpler to sneak surgeons in here to perform the secret sex change operations? 

PD: Well, that would make it harder to keep secret, wouldn't it? Plus, what neurosurgeon would want to come work for my wages? No, the only way to keep it quiet is to do it in here with school where only the staff, the students, the lunch ladies, and the rest of the support staff know about it. That's why no word of it has ever leaked before.

CI: Don't parents notice? Why haven't we heard from any alarmed parents whose children went through transitional surgery in school? You'd think one or two would have said something.

PD: You would, wouldn't you. Only Trump was canny enough.

CI: It seems like an awful lot to manage.

PD: That's for sure. Four separate preps a day, papers to grade for 200 students, running student council, plus secret surgical work. And on top of that, we're also making sure to keep up with litter boxes for the furries as well as performing the regular Marxist indoctrination. Also, the homecoming dance is coming up. I can tell you one thing-- it leaves absolutely no time to make up senseless bullshit stories about other professions that we know nothing about.